Don’t fit in, stand out!

1. Get familiar with the real you.

You’ll hear me talking a lot about the power of journalling on the Origineurs podcast because it’s such an important way of taking time out from the noise of the world and other people’s opinions.

Now, you can do this openly but I’ve found there are some really helpful (and sometimes hard) questions that will enable you to escape from the constant pressure to direct your opinions and actions toward other peoples’ expectations.

These questions not only help reconnect you with how you truly feel, they help you think through how you want to act or respond in the future. 

• What did you do today that you were happy about?
• Did you say ‘yes’ to anything that you didn’t want to and why? What could you have done differently? Can you do anything to change the situation now?
• Is there anything you feel resentful about? What will you do about it?
• Was there any time today that you said something you didn’t mean? Why did you do that? How could you have said it differently so that you could have been more true to yourself but still respectful?
• Did you hold yourself back today in any way? Why did you do that? What will you do differently next time?

These amazing questions – if you use them regularly – will help keep pushing you toward your true self and will help you find ways to act and express yourself without a mask.

2. Get comfortable with discomfort.

It’s important to embrace discomfort because when we decide to stop fitting in and be true to ourselves, it’s not always going to feel easy. So, we have to get used to that feeling if we’re going to do it.

The good news is, there are some fun ways to approach getting used to discomfort. How? By doing new things.

Doing something you’ve never done before forces you to step out of comfort and into the unknown, and the further you can – safely – step into discomfort, the greater the courage you’ll develop.

• What have you always wanted to try that you haven’t yet?
• Where have you always wanted to visit?
• What have you always wanted to do?
• Who have you always wanted to meet.

Now is your time! Write a list of ten or more things and set about making them happen.

Your list doesn’t have to be expensive or involve travelling around the world. It could be as simple as taking your first ice bath, climbing a new hill, attempting to knit, driving to a new town, or meeting five new people at an event.

3. Practice purposeful rejection.

Taking the discomfort theme a little further, another important step is to get comfortable with rejection because this is something many people fear.

So, let’s take rejection on for a moment.

Rejection is generally someone else saying ‘no’. It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, even though that’s how many people interpret it. And, if you want to know the reasons why, you need to hear this episode of the Origineurs podcast because it will show you why you are good enough already, no matter what anyone says.

We all have the right to say ‘no’. 

If someone offers me a sweet and I’ve just cleaned my teeth so don’t want one that time – although I very much appreciate their offer – I can say ‘no, thank you’. That doesn’t mean their sweets are bad, that they asked in a weird way, that I don’t like them, or that they are a bad person.

Yet, people can find themselves taking a ‘no’ personally and over analysing what it meant when very often all it meant was ‘no’.

Some people are so afraid of a ‘no’, that they don’t ask for something that’s important to them in the first place and miss out. Other times, after one ‘no’, they give up asking, when if they continued to approach others, they’d eventually meet someone who’d say ‘yes’.

So, I challenge you to take on the fear of rejection and get comfortable with it. 

Ways to do this could be to ask for a bigger discount in a shop than you think you’ll get away with, ask for something that isn’t on the menu in a restaurant, or walk up to someone in the high street and ask them if they happen to have a random object you could borrow for a moment like a tape measure, bottle opener, or stapler.

Obviously, be respectful and don’t be rude. If they say ‘no’, simply thank them for considering your request and practice simply taking it as a ‘no’ and not personally. Practice not flinching at any awkwardness they may have. That’s their issue. And, of course, if they say ‘yes’, you’ll get a pleasant surprise!

4. Pause your tongue.

The technique of ‘pausing your tongue’ is important when it comes to being your true self in conversation with people.

When you’re with a group of people, or speaking to someone with strong opinions, it can be easy to go with the flow and later question why you did so, by which point it’s too late.

So, try doing this: When someone else is speaking, hold your tongue against the back of your teeth of the roof of your mouth and pause for a moment before responding.

Ask yourself..

• Is this something you want to go along with?
• Is this something you agree with?
• Is this okay with you?
• Do you want to respond now or do you need time to think?

Journalling will get you more in touch with what you really think and pausing will give you the opportunity to switch to your course rather than follow someone else’s flow.

And, it’s okay not to respond. 

It’s okay to say ‘I’m not sure right now, I’ll come back to you,’ to buy yourself time to come back authentically rather than rush under pressure then live with regret.

This is especially important when you’re being asked to do something. 

Give yourself time to consider whether it’s really right for you, away from the pressure of the moment. Because, how many times have you said ‘yes’ and then lived with the burden of unwanted tasks that have been dumped on you?

You don’t deserve that!

5. Counter opinion.

Journalling and reflecting before responding will give your more confidence and more control. When you’ve had a chance to think things through, you’ll sound more sure of what you have to say and it’s easier to stick with it, especially if you have rationale.

You can go a stage further by practicing countering opinion. It’s generally best to start doing this with people you have a stronger relationship with and will generally be more open to you being yourself, if you can.

The reason for this is, when you start countering opinion, there can sometimes be a reaction and you need to practice your response and maintaining respectful confidence.

Having said this, some people find it easier to practice countering opinion with strangers who haven’t got used to them backing down.

To do it, wait for a moment when a subject arises where you would normally agree with others but secretly disagree in whole or part or have not made up your mind.

Could you respond with…

• ‘Thank you for sharing that with me, however I think…’ or
• ‘I can see what you’re saying, however I’ve come to believe…’ or
• ‘That’s a really interesting point of view, however, I feel…’

After you’ve offered your counter opinion, you can explain the reason.

Don’t forget to acknowledge the areas where you agree – because even with opposing viewpoints there can still be areas of mutual interest.

By speaking your truth in a respectful way – while taking the time to hear the other person’s perspectives – you will be earning more respect even if someone doesn’t tell you that, because they will know what you stand for.

People won’t always tell you they respect you, they may try to put labels on you when you show who you are and what you stand for. What they’re really doing then is trying to figure out where they stand in relation to you and that’s their way of coping. Don’t let it get to you. Don’t react to it. And certainly don’t apologise for who you are.

If they try to offend you simply say ‘What you’re saying is not okay, so please stop. It won’t change who I am.’

Know that there will always be someone who disagrees with you or doesn’t like you. None of us can please everyone. If we try to do that, all we end up doing is burning ourselves out and losing ourselves trying to please those who will never be pleased.

At the same time it is okay to be flexible in your opinions when presented with great reason, logic, and data. That just shows you’re open to listening to others when it makes sense. What you’re not doing is buckling simply due to social pressure.

You’ll want to avoid letting conversations become heated because, in these situations, no one is listening and it’s better to move on. An easy way to do this without backing down is by saying, ‘It seems we have different perspectives. Let’s talk about something else.’

6. Master your art.

Finally, an important way you can stop fitting in and start standing out is by mastering your art. I’m not talking about getting into painting or sculpting if that isn’t your thing, but whatever your passion, business, or profession – be original.

As I always say on the Origineurs podcast, what makes you unique is your blend of experiences, skills, personality and values along with your vision and the action you take. Only you can do things the way you do.

So, bring all this to your game, be your best – not someone else’s – and be proud of that. Make sure you’re being visible everywhere you need to be, and stand out from the crowd by embracing your original voice in everything you put out there.

That’s how you stop fitting in and start standing out as an Origineur!